Friday Post:- Things I’ve learned this week.

My one brain cell is obviously trying very hard at this remembering lark because looky here . . .   the THIRD Friday Post!  I never dreamed I’d make it past the first one so to be here with the 3rd is nothing short of unbelievable to me!

Last week we did internet vexations This week we’re talking again about ‘lessons’ I’ve learned during the past week.  You need no more introduction from me so I’ll shut up and let you read while you enjoy that … erm  … actually …  what exactly is that which you have there?  C’mon now …   Share it with the rest of the class!

Things I Learned This Week.

1.  I learned that sprinkling salt onto cut tomatoes you’re about to eat is NOT a clever thing to do when you’ve chewed on the inside of your lip.  That salt (yes, even the lo-sodium variety because that’s what I use) will suddenly become a product of the DIVIL,  and will make you pull a face like a sucked lemon due to the unique pain you  WILL  suffer when that salt and your chewed lip meet for the first time.  What occurs when they become acquainted is nothing like  a meeting made in Heaven.  You know that brain freeze pain you get when you eat a too big a spoonful of ice cream?  WELL IT’S WORSE THAN THAT, let me tell you!!   Moral of this story  . . . don’t chew your lips!

2.  I learned that I’m obviously the only driver on the road, where I live in my corner of the UK, who has read and remembers how to ‘operate’ the  Highway Code.

The ‘ejits’ who are obtaining a driving licence nowadays are obviously getting them  via  Christmas  Crackers and/or Lucky Bags, and don’t realise that those types of licences really aren’t legal!!

They’ve either never read the Highway Code or, if they have, they’ve forgotten most of what’s written in there, and especially  a) that you mustn’t cut corners at junctions.

Highway Code And b) they know nothing about passing parked cars  [which are parked on ‘their’ side of the road],  and how they should wait and give way to the on-coming traffic, before THEY try to squeeze their car and bully their way, at speed, along the road causing the on-coming traffic to slam their brakes on;  skim the kerb (and leave half a ton of tyre rubber behind);  or mount the kerb in order to keep their (my) car in one whole, undamaged piece.  grrrr!

cursing

3.  Due to point Number 2 above:   I learned that I know some curse words I didn’t think I knew, – and have also found I have an ability to invent other curses which I don’t think have been invented yet, – but I heard them all pop out of my mouth because of some idiot, rat-fink, ‘youth’ I doubted the parentage of,  who nearly took the side off my car.

And finally …  although why I’ve left this to the last one I don’t know, for it is the one which  . . .  aw, no.  I won’t give the plot away.  I’ll let you read it for yourself.

4.  SPIDERS.  I could leave it right there . . .  but I feel you need to hear the drama which spiders have caused this week, here in my little cottage.    And also, by blogging about it,  there will be dated written evidence, if the police should need it, of how these bl**dy creatures are planning to terminate me!

Spider

Dearest readers ...  I hope you know nothing about the horror of the rigor mortis fear which happens,  when,  in the darkness while laying in your bed at 2am in the morning, in the heat of  a sticky summers night, with just a cotton sheet covering only the lower half of your body . . .  you become aware of something moving over your skin.  You feel  every. single. one. of the slow foot steps of …  a big spider walking over your back.

(ahhhh ….  come out in a cold sweat have you? . . .  read on, dear reader, read on) . . .

I lay comfortably in bed,  on my left side,  not quite asleep  – but not really awake either.  It was 2am in the morning.

I felt … a sort of gentle,  ticklish feeling on my upper back.  In my tired, sleepy headed state I remember thinking that it was a hair which had escaped the ‘twist’ I make with my hair every night.

I always collect my hair at the back of my neck, twist it round and then hold the twist of hair up on my head while I settle down on my pillow.  It keeps it all  out-of-the-way  on hot nights.

Suddenly,  a thought  WHIZZED  through my mind like a bullet being shot from a gun, – my eyes popped wide open and I froze.

I . couldn’t . move.  Fear held me in a freakish suspended moment.

My mind was racing.  My eyes, I swear,  were the size of saucers.   You see . . .  I realised that the ‘hair’ I thought I’d felt falling on my back,  couldn’t be a hair.  

Why?   Because if it was,  it wouldn’t have been  falling  UPWARDS.

NOTHING  . . .   falls  . . .   UP

My brain was now fully alert, racing at a million miles per hour,  and trying to come up with a  plan.

I considered shouting out for Mr. Cobs to rescue me from this assassin which came in the middle of the night   … but he was deep in sleep and snoring so loudly that I doubt very much that The Band of the Coldstream Guards playing right next to him would have woken him up.

Besides which … I actually couldn’t make any sounds other than:  Ehhh.  OahhhArrrr.  Ehhr.  Uh uh.  – and none of these sounds made up the sentence:-

“Dearest one, could you possibly raise yourself from the depths of your slumbers and gently cup this little rascal on my back who’s having a round of that famous song:  ‘You put your left legs in, your left legs out, in out, in out, y’ shake ’em all about.  Y’ do the hokey cokey and you turn around, and that’s what it’s all about!’.”

Which, obviously, was what I was trying to say.

I’m scared witless of spiders.  I’ve never been able to co-exist with them.  I won’t kill them because … well … I don’t believe in killing anything.  However, right at this point I’d have welcomed James Bond (Daniel Craig version please) as my hero who rescued me from the deathly grips of this eight legged creature.  (Who am I kidding … I’d have welcomed ANYONE at that point who could have gathered up that beast and thrown him out of the window!).

I could feel this thing making its way up to my left shoulder.  My time was running out.  The panic within me at this point was so huge, so big, so wide, and inside my head I was screaming blue murder.  I HAD TO DO SOMETHING.  I HAD to stop this creature from walking up my neck and onto my face – because,  something inside me said,  if he got to my face then I was going to die of panic, fear and shock.  My heart was pounding SO hard that I could feel each beat in my throat.

Thoughts were racing through my head so fast and just the one shone out as being the only one which had any merit…..

I rolled,  gently and as slowly, so as not to alert this vile creature to my plan,  onto my tummy, but fast enough so that the spider didn’t have time to get onto my neck.  My upper shoulder was now hanging just over the edge of the bed … and with my hand (of the arm now trapped under my upper-chest),  I SWOOPED it over my shoulder and cupped my hand so that it would scoop this little blighter off my back and onto the floor.

Straight away I turned my bedside lamp on and looked down at the floor.  Nothing.  Couldn’t see a thing.  No Spider!   I looked over to where the dog sleeps in her bed, next to  me.  I held my breath, waiting to see if I could see a spider running for dear life.  Nothing. I sat up in bed and looked around … nothingOH.  MY.  STARS!  Was he still in the bed with me???

I got out of that bed faster than I knew I could move and quickly lifted each pillow and waiting for just a second to see if anything ran.  Nothing.

I lifted the sheet.  Nothing.

That little b*gg*r was nowhere to be found.

Was He Hiding In My Hair???  I grabbed my comb from the dresser and combed and combed and combed.  From every angle, and frankly, I’m surprised I’m not bald.

I climbed back into bed … and for a while I first sat there, then lay there with the light on.  Terrified.

What if it came back and hid spiders eggs inside my ear?

What if it came back and made a spider’s web over my face? 

What if it came back and . . .  on and on. One scenario after another.  At around 4am I turned off the light and went to sleep.  (but not before I’d double checked the floor again – for around the fourteenth time).

The following morning … I told Mr. Cobs about my tormentor and asked him if he would do me a big favour and vacuum all around the bedroom, under the bed, behind the bed head, around the edges of the skirting board, the bunting hanging against the wall behind the bed … I gave him a list of all the places I thought a spider might choose to hide,  … and you name it, bless his heart,  he vacuumed it for me.  He said he found  nothing.

No, he wouldn’t.

Of course he wouldn’t.

He wouldn’t ….  Because that  &*%$£#  spider had re-located to the bathroom!   And later that morning, … when I was brushing my teeth,  I looked into the mirror over the sink and saw . . .  THAT BL**DY, BU££ERY SPIDER  (or one of its henchman)  DROPPING DOWN FROM THE CEILING, ABOUT TWO INCHES AWAY FROM THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY HEAD!  It was clearly aiming for my shoulder.

I have honestly never ever screamed so loud in all my life.  Over and over and over again I screamed out Mr. Cobs. name.   The bathroom door had the lock on.  The spider was between me and the bathroom door, and there was no way that I could reach around it to get to the door,  without it falling onto me.

Mr. Cobs was now at the bathroom door, banging on it and trying to open the door,  yelling, trying to break in and save me from whatever it was which was making me scream like I was.  I couldn’t talk.  I couldn’t tell him what was wrong.  For some reason I was unable to re-direct the effort of my panic to my voice-box and get that working instead.

I had an idea which I could try  … I reached up and with my index finger, I dragged that spiders web ‘string’  towards and over the sink, so that he would land in the sink and I could then safely reach across and open the door.  But NO.  Mr. ‘I’m going to GET YOU’ Spider was having none of it.

What did he do?   HE RAN BACK UP THAT  WEB ‘STRING’ AS FAST AS HIS LEGS WOULD CARRY HIM.  I was totally  PANIC STRICKEN  – he was fast heading towards my hand … –   I lowered my hand quickly and dropped him inside the sink,  but I knew that I had to ‘dis-connect’ myself from his webby string  … so dragged my finger over the edge of the sink, as if wiping it off.  I instantly went to reach for the lock, but all the time kept my eye on the spider … and that monster did what spiders can’t normally do.  HE CLIMBED THE SIDE OF THAT  DAM*ED  SINK!!!  By the time I’d managed to unlock the door and Mr. Cobs launched himself through it … that spider had one huge, chunky  leg already waggling and waving over the top edge of the sink.

Mr. Cobs had hold of me by the shoulders, shaking me slightly, asking me what was wrong.  Why was I screaming?

I pointed to the sink…   I watched and saw his shoulders drop.  I could feel his relief.

Get it out.  Please.  Get it out!”   He pulled a couple of sheets off the loo roll and caught the spider within the folds of it.  “PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU ACTUALLY HAVE IT!  PLEEEEASE  MAKE SURE!”

He did.  He had.  He took it outside to the big bin and deposited it in there.

I.  . . .   HATE.  . . .  SPIDERS.

And they know it.  And now … they’re having a laugh by tormenting me.

I  . . .  HATE  . . .  SPIDERS.

“Hello God, it’s me again.  I wanted to have a word with you about spiders.”

The moral of this tale is …  don’t let spiders know that you don’t like them, because if you do, they’ll torment the living snot out of you.

And these things, beautiful readers, are some of the lessons life has taught me this week.

Has life taught you anything this week?  If so … do share … if only to take my mind off spiders, because all the way through typing this to share it with you, I’ve been itching, scratching, fidgeting and feeling like every bit of ticklish hair touching my body, caused by the ceiling fan spinning around, isn’t a hair but actually a cluster of spiders all popped round to assassinate me. [shudder]

Have a fabulous Friday, and a truly wonderful weekend my friends.  I wish you sunshine, smiles, love, a lack of spiders,  and,  …  if at all possible … a lottery win.  🙂

Sending squidges ~

Sig coffee copy

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18 thoughts on “Friday Post:- Things I’ve learned this week.

  1. I loved the spider story! I am not a fan either and Mr Craft works nights so I have to go it alone. This week I learned that putting the children to bed later does not guarantee they will sleep longer in the morning, instead they will be grumpy little beggars all day and nap in the afternoon, ruining the sleep cycle altogether.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ohhhh, Mrs. Craft, bless your beautiful heart. ❤ I'm sat here laughing like a drain, but not laughting at you. I’m laughing with you and your own ‘Lifes Lesson Learned’, because I remember it SO well. I did exactly the same thing with our girls, and like you, learned the exact same lesson.

      It obviously isn’t just you and I. I’ve heard the same story from other mums too. Maybe you should do blog posts about Lifes Lessons Learned and perhaps a handful of mums might learn the lesson(s) ‘by stealth’ rather than be sucked into ideas that we’ve already tried and proved the failure rate of! 🙂

      Thank you so much for coming and sharing a (_)D <— CUP of coffee (the internet variety), and for bringing a fabulous giggle with you. Great to see you.
      Sending squidges from my corner to yours ~ Cbs. x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for the giggles, I’m slightly more sane now after a few cups of tea and some fresh air at the allotment. No one in this house is napping today, they will be poked unmercilessly so they can’t!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello Mrs C. 🙂
      Again – you’ve got me giggling like a child sat at the back of the class of 7 year olds, with her friend.
      You have the ability to conjure up a scene with your words, which paints the story inside my brain and I can actually see all of this: . . . picture:- You, as the side-kick of the Child Catcher, employed by Baron Bomburst. You’re in Vulgaria, looking for children snoozing the days away; lay sleeping on carts pulled by cart horses, or nestled into a mound of hay, and when you find them you get your POKING STICK out and jab them until they wake and run around yelling. “NO CHILD SHALL SLEEP WHILE THE SUN IS OUT!” Says the Pokey Holder.

      It’s a short comedy sketch playing on Cinema Screen 1, in Cobwebs (one brain cell) Cinema. entrance fee FREE. Just climb through an ear.

      Ohhh the joy. The Joy! Lve it.
      (still giggling)
      Have a truly blessed, child poking, day ~ Cobs. x

      Like

  3. OMG, so funny, but so scary – I know just how you feel! My dad is petrified of spiders, and he passed it on to me and my sister. When he and mom were dating, she gleefully chased him with a plastic spider *that he knew was fake* right up the middle of the main road she lived on. She ran and he ran faster. She thought it hysterical, he still turns green at the thought of that spider.

    Liked by 1 person

    • LOL!!! You’re dad must have been entranced and besotted by your mum because he didn’t just keep running! LOL. Cooo … flipping heck … if someone had done that to me, and I survived the heart attack brought on by sheer blind panic, they’d have had to put me in into a secure facility for the eternally unscrewed. I’m getting all feared up just reading about it! LOL
      Bless them both … they’re entertaining us all, all those years later. Awww. Feeling all loved up now.
      Thanks for sharing Salpal. It’s tickled me in such a wonderful way.
      l ❤ ve ~ Cobs. x

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh Cobs, you poor thing!. Firstly, I understand 100% about the idiots that have licences. I have to drive a 20 mile journey every day to and from work on a dual carriageway, and majority of people do not know, what the flashy things are for, or what little white lines joining the dual carriageway mean….yes YOU are suppose to give way, not me…… OR what the national speed limit really IS on a dual carriageway, let alone what common courtesy is! Grrr don’t get me started! Secondly, I’m so sorry I don’t live round the corner, you see I’m one of those real hard woman…I’ve learnt to pick spiders up with my bare hands and put them outside, along with moths, frogs etc! I even picked up not 1 but 2 black widow spiders and didn’t even know it! Still here to tell the story too! Once rescued my friend from a moth (just as scared as you) at 2am in the morning! Thank goodness for Mr Cobs, your Hero 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello wonderful blogging friend…
      I am filled with admiration for your ability to make spiders fear you rather than the other way around. I’m fine with moths (but would rather they stay out as I don’t want them making babies on the curtains or on the clothes irn the wardrobes), but frog … I could pick them up when I was a child, but for some reason, can’t pick them up now.

      Glad to hear that someone else shares my annoyance about rubbish drivers. grrr.
      Sending Saturday Squidgs ~ Cobs.x

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Ah Cobs, you have my deepest sympathy! I wonder how many people have done blogs about spiders? I did one called, Arachno…
    Agh! Where Did It Go?
    ..where I got so frantic that I took the whole bed apart.

    I hope you can have a good ole laugh about this one day. My neighbour has these little circular things by her door entitled ‘spider catchers’. I wonder if they work?

    Blessings xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aw … spiders! They can get into places that are spotlessy clean, Sharon. So don’t you believe that you’ve got an untidy or mucky house.

      I read (a while ago) that there was an old wives tale about putting conkers along the windowsills where there were opening windows, and this was (apparently) the trick to keep spiders out. So I tried it in our new home here for roughly a year – … and guess what … no spiders! So I then tried it in the craftroom – which is in our converted garage. And .. no spiders. But the conkers began to get old and grow a slightly fuzzy look so I collected them up and threw them out. Since then … SPIDERS.

      I’ve already put my order in with Mr. Cobs for him to collect conkers on his walks when they begin to fall in late September into October. I’m lining those babies up along the windowsills and then will see if it really will work again, or if it was just a fluke and a spot of good luck, the first time round. I shall report back when I have proof, either way.

      Sending hugs and wishing you a wonderful weekend. ~ Cobs. x

      Liked by 1 person

        • I could have sworn I replied to this the same day you left this comment, and lo and behold … there’s nothing there! I can only think that I forgot to click ‘post comment’. [sigh] I wish I could blame drink .. but it’s sadly my rubbish brain.

          Anyhoo …. what I originally replied was:
          Don’t tread on the Fairies in the park, nor shake them out of their trees, OH … and watch out for the birdies too! 🍄 🍃 🐥
          lol. ~ Cobs. x

          Like

  6. I am with you all the way on this one! Noah should not have allowed spiders on the ark. Spiders are incredibly sneaky and quiet and you cannot hear them coming. They are amazing at ambushing those of us who fear them. I feel your pain with this life lesson.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello Chickengrandma 🙂
      There are a couple of things which I wish Noah had said a firm ‘no’ to … Spiders (naturally) and Daddy Long Legs (… I think they’re actually called Crane Flys).

      Ohhh I fear those greatly too. With those long long freaky legs which bend one way and the other and seem to have hooks on the lower parts of what would perhaps be their shins. This great fear was made worse by my (much elder) brother who used to torment me with them. I remember one occassion – he was meant to be looking after me one evening while my parents were out. I ended up locking myself in my bedroom and barricading the door with the dressing table and chair to stop him from opening the door, because he had (he said) two daddy long legs in his hands and he was going to let them loose in my bedroom.

      When my parents came home he merely told them I was in bed, but he didn’t tell them that I’d been there all night or why, and when my mum tried to open the door to come in and check on me, she, of course, couldn’t get the door open.

      I’m not sure if he ever got a telling off for that, but I know that if he did, it was just like water off a ducks back because he continued to taunt me with them, and I think he still would even today if he got the chance.

      So yes .. Spiders and Daddy Long Legs (aka Crane Flies) – … Noah could have left those two creatures behind as a special favour to me. 😦

      Thanks for visiting … and for the follow! It’s really fabulous to meet you.
      ~ Cobs. x 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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